Mothers Day

I am possibly, probably, hopefully pregnant.  After trying for a year I finally got my positive today.  I got a very faint + on a cheapie test on Thursday but, I figured it was just a typical false positive.  I've gotten plenty of those.  Today I have gotten several clear positives as well as a positive digital.  I am cautiously happy.  Honestly I am beyond excited and I want to tell my mom, his mom, and of coarse my husband.  But, I can't.  I have done this twice before so I know that a positive test does not always mean a baby in 8 months.  I cannot bear to break my husbands heart again.  And the moms are so dense.  Sometimes I wonder when they lost their sensitivity chip.  Throughout the miscarriages they were awful.  Not on purpose but the were so clueless.  Neither one of them got what I was going through even though they themselves have been through it before.  So, I will wait until I am showing probably.  At least until I see my baby on an ultrasound and hear that amazing sound that is my baby's heartbeat.  Dear God please help me, help my baby.  I want nothing more than to hold my precious baby in December/January.  I know that it is not fair to keep it from my husband but, he has been hurt just as badly if not worse then me in the past.  He is such a great father and the second he sees the + he is in love and making plans.  I've seen my husband cry two times.  Both last year.  The first was the day we found out we had lost the baby and the second was the day he rushed home because I was going through the miscarriage (2 weeks AFTER the d&c!!!!!!).  I was in so much pain and I had no idea what was happening.  I called him and he rushed home in tears.  I love him so mush and I can't hurt him again.  So I will pray, and pray, and pray, and pray some more.  Please god, please let me have a healthy, perfect, beautiful baby in my arms again.  I wish I didn't have to go through all of this but, I know it will all be worth it in the end.  Right?  Right.

Happy Mother's Day to me!  I will be so special to me this year.  I have to go through this day by day and in December I won't even remember the fear I had of losing my baby.  One can only hope...................

cd 6

I had a very long cycle this month. 45 days I think. Soooo, I decided to try this "miracle worker" stuff named fer.tle.aid. Lets see what I do to myself with this stuff. Hopefully a month from now I'm singing the praises of this magic potion.

Post Holiday Slump

I got my period on 1/4, so today is......cd10. I don't know what's going on but I have no desire to have sex. Maybe it's because of all the weight I've gained?? I don't know. I was thisclose to going to the dr. to get some adipex but, I cancelled. I'm going to try to lose this on my own the good old trusty way, hitting the treadmill. Hopefully I'll get pregnant this month or next. If on March 1st I'm still not, then I'll go get me some magic potion from dr. miracle worker.

I have no libido and no energy. I've been looking into supplements, maybe I need to start taking iron? It's worth a try. I'm going to bet some iron and b12. Maybe that will do the trick...........

Another year, another fb pregnancy anouncement.

Not mine of coarse One of his ex girlfriends. It was an unplanned pregnancy. Bitch. But, I'm happy for her. Of coarse I am.

I have many big plans for 2012. Honestly, a baby isn't one I'm counting on anymore. I want to finish the fence, and buy a backhoe, and start the house, buy a work truck and a personal truck. It all involves lots of $$$$. It means a lot of work on my part but, I'm ready for it. Out with the old and in with the new!

Here's to making my dreams come true :)

Maybe I'll get a Christmas miracle??? Probably not.

Christmas is just a few days away and I'm still not finished with my shopping ('cause I'm broke)! I've gained about 15 pounds over the past few months. I guess I can blame it on the holidays but, the truth is I'm a stress eater. I'm pretty sure I ovulated last night or this morning but, we got into a little argument so...no baby making going on here. But, in 2 weeks guess who will be spending every extra $$ on pregnancy tests??

Idiot on aisle 7.

That's gonna be me!

Merry Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.

It's Such A Cruel World :(

So, it's Cd3 today. My cycle was 38 days this (last?) month. I was beginning to let myself believe I was pregnant. I went to the store and bought a prenancy test. Of coarse I couldn't wait to get home to test so, I went into the restroom to do it.

As I was testing...right in the middle of poas...I got my period.

The worst part is that even thought I was obviously not pregnant, I was still squinting and looking for invisible lines!!!

Sometimes I think that this world is just too cruel. Why are there kids dying of hunger, abused, murdered, neglected, and many other horrible things. Everyday babies that are addicted to crack are born. So many horrible things happen to children because their parents let it happen or cause it themselves. I would never EVER do anything to harm my children yet, I can't get pregnant. Meanwhile, so many women that don't deserve to be alive much less become mothers are getting pregnant. Why? Why? WHY???

Then......

I remind myself.....

Everyday there are children dying of cancer and other tragic situations as well. My 2 children are safe, warm, happy, and loved. I shouldn't ask for more.

Right????

9/1-CD1

42 day cycle. Nice. What else can I say.

Lets hope for a July baby.......................