Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mothers Day

I am possibly, probably, hopefully pregnant.  After trying for a year I finally got my positive today.  I got a very faint + on a cheapie test on Thursday but, I figured it was just a typical false positive.  I've gotten plenty of those.  Today I have gotten several clear positives as well as a positive digital.  I am cautiously happy.  Honestly I am beyond excited and I want to tell my mom, his mom, and of coarse my husband.  But, I can't.  I have done this twice before so I know that a positive test does not always mean a baby in 8 months.  I cannot bear to break my husbands heart again.  And the moms are so dense.  Sometimes I wonder when they lost their sensitivity chip.  Throughout the miscarriages they were awful.  Not on purpose but the were so clueless.  Neither one of them got what I was going through even though they themselves have been through it before.  So, I will wait until I am showing probably.  At least until I see my baby on an ultrasound and hear that amazing sound that is my baby's heartbeat.  Dear God please help me, help my baby.  I want nothing more than to hold my precious baby in December/January.  I know that it is not fair to keep it from my husband but, he has been hurt just as badly if not worse then me in the past.  He is such a great father and the second he sees the + he is in love and making plans.  I've seen my husband cry two times.  Both last year.  The first was the day we found out we had lost the baby and the second was the day he rushed home because I was going through the miscarriage (2 weeks AFTER the d&c!!!!!!).  I was in so much pain and I had no idea what was happening.  I called him and he rushed home in tears.  I love him so mush and I can't hurt him again.  So I will pray, and pray, and pray, and pray some more.  Please god, please let me have a healthy, perfect, beautiful baby in my arms again.  I wish I didn't have to go through all of this but, I know it will all be worth it in the end.  Right?  Right.

Happy Mother's Day to me!  I will be so special to me this year.  I have to go through this day by day and in December I won't even remember the fear I had of losing my baby.  One can only hope...................

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