Another year, another fb pregnancy anouncement.

Not mine of coarse One of his ex girlfriends. It was an unplanned pregnancy. Bitch. But, I'm happy for her. Of coarse I am.

I have many big plans for 2012. Honestly, a baby isn't one I'm counting on anymore. I want to finish the fence, and buy a backhoe, and start the house, buy a work truck and a personal truck. It all involves lots of $$$$. It means a lot of work on my part but, I'm ready for it. Out with the old and in with the new!

Here's to making my dreams come true :)

Maybe I'll get a Christmas miracle??? Probably not.

Christmas is just a few days away and I'm still not finished with my shopping ('cause I'm broke)! I've gained about 15 pounds over the past few months. I guess I can blame it on the holidays but, the truth is I'm a stress eater. I'm pretty sure I ovulated last night or this morning but, we got into a little argument so...no baby making going on here. But, in 2 weeks guess who will be spending every extra $$ on pregnancy tests??

Idiot on aisle 7.

That's gonna be me!

Merry Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.

It's Such A Cruel World :(

So, it's Cd3 today. My cycle was 38 days this (last?) month. I was beginning to let myself believe I was pregnant. I went to the store and bought a prenancy test. Of coarse I couldn't wait to get home to test so, I went into the restroom to do it.

As I was testing...right in the middle of poas...I got my period.

The worst part is that even thought I was obviously not pregnant, I was still squinting and looking for invisible lines!!!

Sometimes I think that this world is just too cruel. Why are there kids dying of hunger, abused, murdered, neglected, and many other horrible things. Everyday babies that are addicted to crack are born. So many horrible things happen to children because their parents let it happen or cause it themselves. I would never EVER do anything to harm my children yet, I can't get pregnant. Meanwhile, so many women that don't deserve to be alive much less become mothers are getting pregnant. Why? Why? WHY???

Then......

I remind myself.....

Everyday there are children dying of cancer and other tragic situations as well. My 2 children are safe, warm, happy, and loved. I shouldn't ask for more.

Right????

9/1-CD1

42 day cycle. Nice. What else can I say.

Lets hope for a July baby.......................

CD 39 WTH!!!!!

What is going on with my body??

CD 39, negative pregnancy test.

Of coarse.

Now what????

cd 34

So I've spent way to much money on pt's this week all of which have turned up 1 freaking line. It's taking all that I've got not go out and buy a fresh pack right now. If I could afford it I would go to a doctor but, we have way to much going on right now.

We're moving to the ranch next week! I'm spending way too much money on decorating. Not to mention all of the utility deposits and other neccesary stuff. I have to focus on something other than peeing on way too expensive plastic sticks!!!

Today would have been the day. Updated.

My baby should be here now. Today should have been one of the happiest days of my life. I made it through the day without crying. But, all day long no matter what I was doing I was thinking about what should have been.

And then............

My sister in law calls me to tell me she is pregnant again. After 2 weeks of trying.

9 Days

I should be getting ready to welcome my third baby. Not sitting here crying about my loss. How will I get through this week? Why must life be so hard...........................

Here We Go Again

CD1, "only" 8 days late. I was hopeful again, I tested about 30 times..........again.

I'm in a dark and sad place right now. My baby was to be born August 14. The closer I get to the date the harder it's becoming. I'll remember him always. I'll cry for him always. I feel myself getting lost in this sadness. I can't talk to anyone about it because no one seems to understand.

I should be out buying extra blankets and baby wipes.

CD 1

I'm not gonna lie, I'm dissapointed :(

CD 2

I spent about $60 this week on pregnancy tests! I could have sworn on Thursday that I saw a very light line on 2 of them. Just when I had convinced myself that I was possibly pregnant (I had even googled my due date)......AF shows up! On Friday the 13th no less.

It's ok. I'm ok with it actually. It's the waiting and waiting and waiting that drives me nuts! I mean a 35 day cycle?!? Now that I know that I'm not preggo I can get back to normal.. No stressing about whether what I'm doing or eating could cause a miscarriage. I'm not ready emotionally anyway.

PS. Business is GREAT!!!

I won't go through this again.............

Been there done that. Why am I going here again? I've POAS every other day this week. They were all BIG FAT NEGATIVES.

I have 2 beautiful kids to keep me going, I need to think about them. My present and definite future. No more wishful thinking, daydreams, and spending $50 a week on pregnancy tests!

I've kept it all to myself. He doesn't know about how much I've been wishing on stars and everything else I can think of for a baby. I don't want to put us through the anguish of the past. I just have to remind myself of how much it affected us. Only this time it will be worse because we have two innocent children that will unfairly be dragged along. And they don't deserve that. They need to be my #1 right now.

So.........instead of sitting in front of my computer googling IF and Mirena, I'm going to take my kids out. Who knows where we'll go but we'll be together ;)

April 27, 2011

The spring storms are pretty strong this year. It means we're thismuchcloser to moving out to Aquilla. Easter was fun. We went to my cousin's house. I have a feeling I'm pregnant but, that might just be me wanting to be pregnant. I POAS yesterday and got a BFN but, it was only CD19.

Still Here

I'm trying to move on. I still remember my baby every day and I still think about how far along I should be and how big my belly would be. It's hard, especially when everywhere I turn there's a pregnant woman. We aren't using any protection but, I doubt I'll get pregnant anytime soon. My period this month was just spotting. I never had to use a pad. We'll see what happens next month.

Storms are finally here so that means business is good. It looks like we'll be able to move out to Aquilla by summer. We'll spend summertime in Aquilla which will be great. There will be lots of room for us to enjoy the long days. The kids will start school in Aquillla com fall.

Baseball season is in full swing and both kids are playing which means my schedule is hectic but, happy hectic.

There are many things in my life to be happy about and thankful for. I have to keep reminding myself every day.

Happy Easter.

It's Over

I had a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks that was discovered at 12 weeks. I waited 3 weeks to miscarry naturally but ended up having a d&c on Tuesday. I keep thinking about how many weeks I should be and how I should be showing and feeling the baby move. I'm trying to move on but it's so hard. Sometimes I feel like I can get through this and other times I just want to sleep and cry. I don't know how I'll do this.

11 Weeks and Snow

11 weeks and 2 days now! I have an appointment on Thursday to hear the baby's heartbeat. I pray to God that we can hear him........

Last week was awful. We got cold, then ice, then more cold, then snow, followed by more cold. It. Was. Terrible.

xoxo

10 Weeks and it's a BOY!!

So I'm 10 weeks pregnant today :)

I bought a Gender Predictor test on Friday and cheated and did it yesterday morning. A day early and about 42 hours after sex. It's supposed to be done at 10 weeks or later and 48 hours after unprotected sex (who doesn't have unprotected sex married and 9 weeks and 6 days pregnant???).

It's a boy!!! I'm not totally sure I believe it yet. I'm happy, I'd be happy either way but, everything else points to girl. And I did do it early so.... I'll be buying another one sometime this weeks to retake it! LOL

I still couldn't resist telling the in laws when they came over that it's a boy :)

Spotting

I had a tiny bit of spotting last night. I guess it was too good of a weekend! Seriously though, I am nervous. Very nervous. What if my perfect baby is actually a molar pregnancy again......

8 Weeks Pregnant and GREAT Sex :)

We hadn't been having sex much since I had a tiny bit of spotting 2 days after I got my BFP. Sure, it was around the time implantation bleeding is expected. Sure, it was EXTREMELY light and only happened once maybe twice (but not quite sure if it was or just my nerves/imagination). Sure, we celebrated our good news by having sex...... twice a night, 2 nights in a row...... and that is known to cause some light spotting. But, still. I love my baby with all of my heart. Even if she is the size of a grain of rice. So the sex stopped. We did it once a week. Just a quickie. No orgasm for me and not much for him. That's not normal for us. We've been married for 13 years and our sex life has gotten better each year. It brings us closer and deepens our love each time we make love. And, we're simply not used to it. We are both miserable and grumpy if we go more than one night without loving each other. The past 3 weeks were bad.

This week something clicked. I still worry every now and then but in my heart I know that I will have my healthy baby in my arms come August. I gave in Friday night and we had sex 3 times that night. And again several times last night. Friday I was still "guarded" and couldn't orgasm but, after making love 3 times with no spotting I let go last night and it was A-M-A=Z-I-N-G!!!

7 Weeks

I'm 7 weeks pregnant today. I'm no longer freaking out after sex nor do I expect to see red every time I have to pee. I'm starting to relax. I love my baby. And this baby is making me love my kids even more. I'm also more patient with them and I realize my mistakes as a mother. So we've had a good couple of weeks. My little seed has changed our lives already, for the best!!