cd???

Honestly, I don't know what day it is in my cycle, I have a new "non-plan".

On Monday I went out and bought evening primrose oil and vitex. I was determined to get pregnant this month. Then, I read several blogs and forums with terrible, heartbreaking stories. Some of the people don't have 1 child, much less 2. My heart hurt for them. That's when I opened my eyes. I did take a dose of each on Monday but, no more. At least not anytime soon. If 6 months from now I'm still not pregnant that might change, or maybe it won't. Who knows.

I have 2 healthy, beautiful kids made with love. Naturally. Even after 5 years of TTC my daughter, many visits to the doctor, bbt charts, and several rounds of provera & clomid...... it happened naturally. We gave up; it got to be too hard for us each month (not only financially but emotionally) & we conceived her. With my son, I didn't think I could get pregnant again so we just let it be. He was conceived within 30 days of stopping birth control. So, why force my body into doing something it might not be ready to do. That just doesn't seem right. And, obviously it seems like when it happens is when we don't try. I'm afraid that if I force it I'd be opening myself up to a tragedy. I've already been through one & I can't go through another one. I also don't want to go back to where we were before, with temperature charts & ovulation tests. I think that might be where we've gone wrong in the past. Conceiving a child should be about love. Especially at this point of our life. If it were our first I would go through anything (that I could afford) but, I've got 2. One of each.

So........ I want to make love with my husband. Because I love him so much, not because of cervical mucus. If we make a baby I want to look at him/her and think, we love each other so much that you came to be. If we don't get pregnant I will still have my 2 kids and I will still be happily married to my love. That won't change. I will be busy with our many plans for the future and I will be happy. I do want another child but, if it isn't meant to be I am fine with that. Because I have a great life. That's what matters. Fertility/infertility won't change me or my marriage, I won't let it. I've been there done that & I'm not going there again. I won't strain my marriage when I have two beautiful reasons to live, to make my marriage better and stronger each day.